Sirius' Identity Crisis
by Moony1972
Summary: An offhand comment – okay, maybe not so offhand – from James make Sirius go crazy. Can Remus help get Sirius back on track? Or will he end up teaching Sirius about Muggles instead? Rated for the mention of a certain manly bit. One-shot.


A/N: Beater 1 of the Tutshill Tornados sending in this story for the Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition. I had three prompts, one was a revenge quote from Chinese Cinderella, the other A Crazy Woman, by Gwendolyn Brooks, and the third underhanded. It also had to include the fairy tale The Princess and the Pea. I hope you enjoy it, and keep and eye out for my next update, which will be for Draco Malfoy and the Evil Fanfiction. The word count is exactly 3300 words :)

A/N2: The slashes are italics, I don't know why they're not showing up.

SIRIUS' IDENTITY CRISIS

Sirius burst into the dormitory, breathing heavily, looking as if something very bad had happened. In fact, something bad probably did happen, but something bad happened nearly everyday, so Remus was not really all that surprised to see Sirius burst into the room the way he did. Sometimes it was Sirius, other times it was James, it was actually starting to get a little old. It surprised Remus to such an extent that he barely looked up from his book.

"I'm manly, Remus. I'm really, really manly."

"Uh huh," Remus said, acknowledging Sirius' comment.

"I'm serious!"

"I know you are. We share a room, you know."

Sirius glared at the sandy haired boy in front of him. "I hate those bloody puns."

Remus shrugged, still not looking up from his book. "Choose a different word next time."

"Oh Merlin, are you being overly aggravating on purpose?"

"No. But you probably are."

"What the hell are you talking about? I'm being friendly, you're the one whose ignoring me."

"No, I'm the one who was peacefully reading my book when you came in all out of breath and disturbed me. And then wouldn't shut up after that," Remus said calmly, turning to the next page.

"What are you reading anyway that's got you more focused than my obviously horrible dilemma?"

"Nothing."

"Right, yeah, of course you're reading nothing. Is nothing interesting?"

"Quite. Now would you please shut up?"

Sirius glared at Remus again, since when had he got so bloody annoying? Suddenly, Sirius decided it would be a good idea to pounce on top of Remus. Unfortunately for Sirius and his argument about his obvious manliness, Remus was able to push him away in one quick move.

"What was that about? ...hey, give me back my book!" Remus exclaimed, holding out his hand as if he were expecting Sirius to hand the book back to him.

"A book of poems? Really?" Sirius asked incredulously, holding the book above his head so Remus could not reach it.

"Yes, a book of poems," Remus said, his cheeks starting to turn slightly red.

"And...and..." Sirius had to read over the title of the page a few times. "A Crazy Woman? By Gwen - Gwen..."

"Gwendolyn Brooks," Remus clarified hastily.

"Isn't that like, a girl?"

"It's a female muggle, obviously."

Sirius brought the book to eye level, glancing over the page.

"This is talking about singing terribly in November! What is this garbage?"

"Shut up, Sirius, I like it," Remus said, snatching the book back. "It's a classic. And you don't sing in May either. And you sing awfully in November."

"Oh come on, are you saying I'm like the crazy woman?"

"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying."

Sirius crossed his arms. "You're terrible, you know that, Remus? You were supposed to make me feel better about myself."

"Well, in my defense, I thought you were doing a great job of that yourself. You seemed pretty confident in your manliness."

Sirius shrugged his shoulders. "Fair enough. James was just being an idiot."

"When is he not?"

"True," Sirius said, watching Remus turn to yet another poem. "Blimey, does that book ever end?"

"It's ends too soon, Sirius, just, stop complaining."

"Okay, great," Sirius paused for a few seconds. "No, that book clearly doesn't end too soon. Anyway, uh, I'm having an identity crisis."

This caused Remus to raise an eyebrow and put his book down. "An identity crisis?"

"Yes, an identity crisis. What are you, a parrot?" Sirius shook his head. "But James has made me question reality."

"How so, Sirius? You're being ridiculously vague. Is this about him calling you a girl?"

"Yes!"

"What? B-but I thought you were all confident in the fact that you were a male!"

"Yes, but, James made me think twice about it!"

"Wait, so are you saying you truly doubted the fact whether or not you were a boy?"

"No, no, of course not, that would be stupid," Sirius took a deep breath. "Okay, maybe a little concerned because, you know, James is smart and, yes, he says a lot of crap, but sometimes he says some things that are true."

"And you decided this was one of the true ones? Really?" Remus was starting to wonder how Sirius ended up getting accepted in a school as prestigious as Hogwarts.

"No, well, yes, no, I don't know..."

Remus took a breath. "Well, I was hoping it wouldn't have to go this far...but, do you have a penis, Sirius?"

Sirius scoffed. "Yes, of course I have a penis, why on earth would you – oh."

"Yeah. 'Oh'."

"Thanks mate."

Remus chuckled. "Yeah, no, no problem."

The room fell silent for all of two and a half seconds.

"Remus? I have to get revenge on James."

Remus nearly face-palmed. "What have I told you about revenge, Sirius?"

Sirius' mind went blank. "How would I remember?"

Remus looked slightly insulted. "You're only supposed to read it everyday. To control your emotions and make sure the pranks don't get out of hand."

Sirius faked recognition. "OOOOH, OH! Yeah, I totally remember now, yeah, that thing..."

Remus merely raised an eyebrow. "You don't read it."

Sirius laughed nervously. "No, I, uh, I forgot to."

Remus sighed and got up, pointing to a large three foot banner with at least size 30 bold print on it.

"So what does this say, Sirius?"

Sirius decided to obey Remus, seeing as he had already pissed off his friend enough.

"'Revenge is not worthy of you. If you concentrate on revenge, you will keep those wounds fresh that would otherwise have healed'. Great quote. That's, uh, that's really connecting with me."

"It's not, is it?"

Sirius shook his head. "Not really, but let's pretend it is. Basically you want me to not take revenge on James because I will constantly be reminded of my identity crisis?"

Remus actually smiled. "Yeah, that's exactly what I want. That's not too difficult, is it?"

"No, not at all. I'm gonna go now, and find Peter to go and, uh, /not/ take revenge on James. Sound good?"

Remus could not help but feel that Sirius was not being entirely truthful in his statement, but decided that he wanted Sirius out of the way so he could finally read his book in peace.

"It sounds perfect," Remus said, finally.

Sirius grinned, seeming almost triumphant that he managed to 'trick' Remus. He then ran from the room. Remus sighed in relief, enjoying the silence of the room.

For a grand total of 7.3256 seconds.

James Potter decided to come crashing through the glass, perhaps believing that he had underhanded breaking the window based on his smug look, and skidded his broomstick to a halt. After he dismounted his broom, he looked around the room.

"Where's Sirius?" he asked, turning to Remus.

Remus brushed some of the glass from his vicinity and took the time to glare at James.

"I'm fine, thanks for asking."

At least James was smart enough to look ashamed. "Sorry mate. How're you?"

"I'm actually a bit pissed."

"Yeah? Why are you pissed, Remus?"

"Because you and Sirius are the most aggravating people I have /ever/ met!"

James faked a hurt look. "Why do you say that?"

"Because," Remus started, standing up, holding his book in his hand. "You and Sirius won't let me read my book. Sirius walked in here and started crying about how he's a girl and having a midlife crisis and you came in here and /broke/ our window, conveniently ripping my book." Remus threw the book angrily at James broomstick.

"Holy – Remus!" James screamed, watching his broom snap in half. "What'd you do that for?!"

Remus crossed his arms moodily. "You broke my book."

"Yes but you don't just go around breaking people's brooms because of that!"

James decided, in his fit of anger, that he would go ahead and break more of Remus' books.

"Hey, what're you doing?!" Remus was getting near hysterical watching James rip his books like some maniac. "Stop, stop!"

"You broke my broomstick!"

"STOP IT!"

James turned to Remus. "I don't think you understand, you /broke/ my only broomstick!"

"Just...I'm sorry, James! Stop breaking my books! It's a sin! You're going to die an early death because of this!"

"Shut up!"

"Fine, I'll make it up to you! I'll do whatever you want!" Remus exclaimed.

James stopped breaking the books. "Anything?"

Remus cringed as he realized what the stakes were. "Fine, anything."

Remus braced himself as he waited for James to say his favor.

"I need you to help me keep Sirius in his identity crisis."

Remus blinked. "What?"

"Hey, be thankful I'm not forcing you to ditch class, or dress up like Evans, or kiss Snivelly. It could be a lot worse."

"But why do you want Sirius to be in an identity crisis?" To say Remus was confused would be an understatement.

"Because it's funny! I can't believe he actually was debating that fact. But I don't know how to go about doing it so I need your help."

Remus raised his eyebrows. "Um, okay, but I already explained to him that he was a guy because of his penis."

"Oh. Well...that's not a problem. We'll just cut it off."

"JAMES! You can't just go around cutting people's penises off!"

"Why not?"

"Because you just don't do that! It'll kill him!"

"Oh. Well..." Remus did not like the sound of where this was going. "How about we make him think he lost his manly bits?"

"And how, may I ask, are you planning to do that?"

"A simple invisibility charm. That part is easy. The hard part is making him doubt himself enough to check."

Remus paused, thinking.

James, obviously, could not understand this phenomenon. "So what, are you in or not?"

"Yes, I'm in, James. This might actually be kind of, sort of, fun. I'm just thinking about the solution to your problem."

"Think faster, then!"

Remus was just about done with James. Suddenly, he had his 'aha' moment.

"Aha!" he said.

James looked at Remus. "A-ha?"

"I got it! It's really easy, actually," Remus continued, a mischievous sparkle entering his eyes.

"Share with the class, mate. I can't read your mind," James said, starting to look annoyed.

"Well, there's this one story, called The Princess and the Pea, by Hans Christian Anderson in Muggle literature. Basically, both of us know that Sirius is really, really feminine and sensitive to things in his bed, right?"

"...right..." James said, looking anxious.

"The story has a theory which states that only a Princess is that sensitive. So, if we introduce Sirius to that story, and then have him be affected by the pea – or whatever we do to Sirius' bed – he'll start to freak out, and then he'll question the presence of his penis. And then when he checks, it won't be there and then his identity crisis will restart. But right after he checks, we have to make it visible again."

James eyes had lit up in giddiness. "You are the most brilliant person I have ever met in my life!"

..oO0Oo..

"That's the plan, got it, Pete?" Sirius asked for the tenth time.

"Yes, I got it, Sirius. I'm not that daft, you know."

"Could've fooled me."

Sirius and Peter entered the dormitory. As soon as Sirius shut the door, Peter started yelling like a maniac and shook a bottle of carbonated water, spraying it all over James. Sirius laughed and dumped a dungbomb down James' shirt.

Unbeknownst to the Sirius and Peter, Remus had taken this opportunity to cast the charm on Sirius' penis, effectively – hopefully – making it invisible.

"You know," James said, taking the dungbomb out of his shirt and throwing it out the broken window. "It's a Muggle tradition to spray people with champagne if it's a celebratory moment. What were you celebrating, Sirius? Just the fact that I called you a girl or something else?"

Sirius looked annoyed. "Not my fault Remus never teaches me anything to do with Muggles."

James tried hard to hold back a smile when Remus winked at him.

"I could teach you things if you asked. Like I could tell you fairy tales and stuff. It's essential to understanding the Muggle lifestyle," Remus said suavely.

Sirius looked excited. "Could you? I could use to annoy my parents! That would be brilliant!"

Remus sat down on his bed, "Well, let me tell you the story of The Princess and the Pea."

Sirius grinned, whilst James and Peter sat down at the back of the room, listening to Remus avidly, neither of them questioning why Remus still knew all these fairy tales.

"Once upon a time, there was a Prince. He decided that he really wanted to get married, but he only wanted to get married to a Princess."

"That's not asking for much," Sirius said sarcastically.

"Shut up, I'm in the middle of the story! So, basically, this Prince put an ad in the newspaper asking for girls from around the world to come in and ask to marry him. He was a very lucky Prince, seeing as the first person who came in was a very beautiful girl. Of course, being the stubborn prat that he was, he wanted to make sure that the girl was a Princess before he married her."

"Wait, did they not have a talk or anything?" Sirius asked, bemused.

Remus paused. "I'm not sure...but that's not the focus!" he added hastily. "The Prince ordered his servant to put one pea underneath the girl's mattress. That night, the girl went up to the room and tried to go to sleep. She found the bed rather uncomfortable so she went to the Prince's room, looking angry. She told him that he was a poor man who could not invest in a comfortable bed for a Princess. The Prince, instead of being hurt by this comment, started to rejoice, since he figured only a Princess would be sensitive enough to be able to feel a pea in her bed. He married her the very next day. The end."

James and Peter applauded in the back, but Sirius looked slightly worried.

"That's Muggle entertainment?"

"Yeah," Remus said, hopping off the bed. "Why, did you not like it?"

"No, it was cool. So what, basically Princesses are really sensitive to slight changes from the utmost comfortability?"

"Yeah, that's the gist of it," Remus said, trying hard not to make eye contact with James.

"Hmm, it's an interesting concept," Sirius said, before pausing and taking in the atmosphere. "Does it feel a little cold to you?"

"Woah," Peter said, looking shocked, completely oblivious to the Master Plan James and Remus had come up with. "I didn't notice a thing. You must be a Princess!"

"Shut up, Peter, that's not a good thing," Sirius snapped. "I was just pointing out that the window was broken...er, why is the window broken?"

"Oh that, that was from James' epic entrance, which, by the way, broke my book," Remus answered, remembering the traumatizing moment that he had experienced a couple hours prior.

"The poem book?" Remus nodded. "Good riddance."

James laughed at Sirius' reaction, which only got him to receive another one of Remus' glares.

..oO0Oo..

The four boys were preparing for bed. More like three of them were already in bed; they were just waiting on Sirius to comb his hair or whatever the hell he did in the bathroom for so long.

After a good half an hour – more like twenty minutes – Sirius came out of the bathroom and lay on his bed. He tossed and turned, but had a great deal of trouble actually falling asleep.

/You're just being paranoid/, he thought to himself, although that didn't really seem to help. He figured that the absolute worst thing he could do was to tell James that he was having trouble sleeping, because then he would call him a girl. /Damn Remus for telling me that bloody story./

At last, Sirius couldn't take it anymore. There was this lump under his bed, right at his back, that was making it hard to sleep. He pulled his comforter off the bed and started searching for the bump, which he could not see. His mind jumped to the worst possible scenario and he pulled his mattress off, ignoring the ruckus it was making. Little did he know he was in the area of a silencing charm placed by James and Remus so that their peaceful night would not be interrupted by Sirius' panic attack.

Underneath the mattress, he found the worst possible thing that he could find. He found one pea.

"Bloody hell...why did I know that was there?" he mumbled to himself. "It was just me being paranoid..."

Sirius ran his hand through his hair, starting to freak out. Only Princesses would be able to tell that the pea was there, and Princesses had to be female. But he was not a girl!

Then why did James call him a girl? It was just to annoy him, right? He couldn't have been a girl. Remus even told him that he had a penis, so that meant he had to be a boy. To give himself some peace of mind, he went to the bathroom to check for the existence of his most valuable part of his body.

He pulled off his pants and stared. Where his penis was supposed to be was nothing. Absolutely, positively nothing. He couldn't help himself, he ended up screaming at the top of his lungs, waking James and Remus up. The two were surprised Peter had not woken up, but then again, he had always been a deep sleeper.

"Sirius, what happened?" James asked, pretending he had no idea whatsoever of Sirius' dilemma.

"I – I – I can't share a room with you guys," Sirius said, pulling up his pants and exiting the room.

"Why, what happened?" James asked, distracting Sirius from Remus performing the counter spell on Sirius' groin area.

"I – I'm not a guy. I'm a girl. I don't have a penis. I have to see Dumbledore."

James furrowed his brows. "What do you – of course you have a penis!"

"No, I don't!" Sirius exclaimed. "I'll prove it!" Sirius immediately pulled down his pants. There lay his penis, dangling.

James and Remus glanced at Sirius' penis, and then looked away, feeling slightly uncomfortable.

Sirius, on the other hand, did not take his eyes off of it.

"It wasn't there, I swear!"

"Er," Remus said, looking a little more than disturbed. "It clearly is there, you're just overreacting. Put on your pants."

"Remus," Sirius said, looking as if he were about to cry. "I'm still having an identity crisis!"

It was only now that James had broken down laughing. Unfortunately, Sirius was too busy suffering from his identity crisis to notice that the reason James was laughing was because of the result of the prank.

Remus glared at James, realizing that he was now stuck to deal with Sirius.

"Er, don't you think you're just being paranoid?"

"IT WASN'T THERE, REMUS, YOU'RE STORY IS MAKING ME INSANE! There was a pea in my bed, and I felt it!"

Remus blinked before starting to laugh.

"What? What's so funny?" Sirius asked, starting to get annoyed. "You know what, you guys are the worst people in the world. You're supposed to help!"

"It was a prank, Sirius," James said, rolling his eyes.

This did not clarify anything for Sirius.

"What do you mean, a prank?"

"A prank, like I made a joke and then Remus told me that you were having an identity crisis and then he broke my broomstick, and so I asked him, in return, to make you have an identity crisis again so that's what we did. You and Peter played your parts perfectly!"

Instead of calming him down, this just made Sirius angry.

"I'm going to get revenge on you!" he exclaimed, looking very serious indeed.

"Hey!" Remus said, pointing at the banner. "What have we said about revenge?"

Sirius looked Remus in the eye and said, "How would I know what you said about revenge?"

THE END

A/N: Thoughts? Did you guys like it, hate it? Please review with your thoughts! My feelings won't be hurt no matter what you say, so please, don't be afraid to criticize! I'm always looking to improve!


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